Bon Appetit

by Austin Miller

Herbert Jenkins sat, as he did every evening, trying to enjoy the game shows on the television. This was rather difficult when his wife's loud, shrill voice rang out through the room, yelling out wrong answers to the questions.

 His wife was not a very pretty woman, nor did she make up for it with a pleasant personality. She stood at about 5'11 and weighed at least 240 pounds. She was the exact opposite of Herbert, who was a short, timid, and very gentle man.

Herbert could no longer recall any good times they had shared. He was raised in an abusive household and his already shattered self esteem was made worse by his wife's scolding comments. He was starting to believe he just attracted verbal abuse. Herbert had never met anyone he loathed more than his parents.He was, however, starting to suspect his wife's parents could give them a run for their money.

Herbert was the bread winner of his unhappy household. He rose every morning at 5 A.M. and his wife demanded he be home at 7 P.M. in time to do the dishes. He rose and worked day after day without complaint. He got no respect from his wife or his in-laws, and just lately, no back-boned, wimpy, skinny Herbert Jenkins was getting tired of it.

His in-laws came for dinner every Sunday afternoon. They sat for hours and listened to his wife bitch and moan about all of his inadequacies. They frequently felt the need to remind her of things she had forgotten to mention about his faults.

One day while Herbert was typing a billing report, his hundredth one of the day, a horribly violent idea came to him. He dismissed the idea and the feeling of satisfaction that came with it. As he sat wondering where such an idea came from, he heard a loud voice exclaim, "what the hell do you think you're doing?" Herbert looked up to see his boss looking down on him, she continued yelling "you're a worthless employee" and as she walked off, she looked back over her shoulder and said "go home, I don't want to see your face for the rest of the day!"

As Herbert walked home walked home, he felt an emotion completely new to him, anger. He walked through his front door and was immediately accosted by his wife. She demanded to know why he was home early and what he had done to screw up his job. Suddenly, he couldn't take it. Her voice reminded him of his mother's and red completely clouded his vision.

 He came to moments later and almost screamed at what he saw. His wife lay on the floor with blood flowing from a gash on her temple. His arms throbbed and his hand was gripped tightly around the rolling pin he had used to bludgeon his wife with. As the shock set in, Herbert slumped to the floor and slept for days.

 The murder took place on Thursday afternoon; Herbert awoke on Sunday morning to an awful stench. He remembered the idea that had come to him at his office and picked up his bloated wife's body and got to work disposing of it.

A few hours later, Herbert's in-laws walked in, as they had done for years, to a table loaded with food. Herbert rushed to take his father in-law's coat and pulled out their chairs. They sat and began eating, while they ate, they inquired where their daughter was. Herbert explained to them she had decided to go to Florida for a few days to bake in the sun.

They both voiced aloud how they thought she needed a break from him.They ate in silence for a few moments, until a loud crunch rang out and Herbert's father in-law spit his daughter’s wedding band into his open palm. He looked up to ask, just what in the hell was going on, and was surprised to see the little twerp his daughter had married was pointing a revolver at him.

Herbert explained to them just what the meal they had been eating consisted of and that they would eat every bite or die. Herbert's father in-law grabbed his steak knife and before he could attack, Herbert shot him right above his left eye, he then pointed the gun at his mother in-law.

She began to furiously shove the food into her mouth while sobbing loudly, as she choked down the last bite she looked up just in time to see Herbert place the revolver in his mouth, he tasted oil and cold metal for a split second, and pulled the trigger. His mother in-law fainted, just as his brains splattered on the wall.

When the paramedics arrived hours later, they bagged three corpses, two had died from bullet wounds, and one had died from choking on a piece of food lodged in her windpipe. So remember always chew your food.