Lost

by Samantha 

Jack walked through the sliding glass doors of a place he knew all too well. His twin sister was in the hospital, yet again. Jack fought back tears, but the tears won. The tears ran down his pale face, so hot they seemed to burn him. He wiped them away with the back of his hand, thinking that this could not be happening. He trudged slowly through the white washed halls that smelled of people in pain. The lights glared down on his head, and he tried not to think about what would happen next.

- - -

Jack was nineteen. He had not started college yet, not with Kat being so sick. He and his sister had been together all their lives, though in high school they learned to enjoy separate things.

Jack was lean and muscular from long days running. His eyes were deep blue and his hair was dishwater blonde that really needed a good trim. Kat was not as tall as he, she was more of an average height; she was fit as well, but ever since she got sick, she had seemed to waste away.

Kat first got sick toward the end of their last year of high school. Graduation came and went and they prepared to make their lives apart from each other. She started to get bruises that would not recede. She was tired all the time, and would come to Jack’s room crying, because she didn’t know what was wrong. Jack urged her to go see a doctor. The next day dawned bright and clear, as Jack’s parents and Kat piled in the car and went to the hospital. Jack had no idea that soon, he would be spending almost all of his time there.

- - -

Jack thought back to the day that the phone had rung. He was in his room. Their home was spacious, bright and airy. His mother had decorated it herself when they had moved there when he and his sister were eight. Granite floors in the kitchen made his feet cold each morning as he gulped down a swallow of milk. He reclined on his bed, relishing the early days of summer. He heard the phone ring a second time and then be picked up off the hook. Kat was sleeping. He hoped the noise would not wake her; she had had trouble sleeping the night before.

- - -

Hearing footsteps coming down the narrow hallway toward his room, Jack wondering what his parents needed. His father knocked lightly, and Jack sensed some uneasiness in the way he moved. His mother trailed behind, her eyes filled with some sort of shock. His father sat down and Jack sat up and faced him.

“Jack…we need to tell you…” his father began.

Jack questioned, “What?”

His father looked at his mother and she began to cry quietly. Jack became alarmed. His mother did not get frightened. Nor did she cry. That was just the way it was. She was a loving, wonderful woman, but she just did not cry.

His father plunged on, saying, “Kat has the last stages of leukemia. Her life can be prolonged with a bone marrow transplant. This may give her a few more years rather than a few months.”

Time froze for Jack. It was then that he began to scream.

- - -

Jack turned down the hallway to the Cancer Ward. He remembered screaming, having Kat race in the room, and him not being able to speak. Eventually when she did find out, she took the news in calmly. Jack also remembered wondering if her unruffled face was just the calm before the storm. His sister did not get too worked up about things, but when she did, man, it was in the person’s best interests to run. Jack smiled to himself as he tiptoed quietly into his sister’s room, limping slightly from where the bone marrow had been taken out of his hipbone.

- - -

A few days later, Jack prepared himself to get more bone marrow taken. His other hip still ached, but he knew that his sister needed this marrow, and he would do anything to get it to her.

For the second time in his life, time stopped for Jack. They told him that he was not a match for his sister’s marrow. He thought, ‘How could this happen? She is my twin!’ The doctors muttered something about this being a fluke; generally identical twins are perfect matches for each other, however sometimes fraternal twins are not. Jack wished, to no avail, that he were an identical twin. He put his head in his hands, finally coming to the realization that he must admit defeat.

- - -

Kat lay in the bed, looking at her brother, wondering if he had slept at all. Honestly, Kat was frightened. She was scared of dying. Scared of what would happen to Jack and her parents after she was gone. She lay still, to not disturb her brother, as he had fallen asleep in the hard, ugly pastel purple chair in her room. She grimaced knowing the supposed bright chair was just in her otherwise dull room to ease the gloom of dying. Kat’s bones were beginning to ache, and her whole body burned as if she was lying on a bed of fire. Eventually, she began to wish she would die.

- - -

Jack jumped awake. He looked around, confused at first. Kat was still and he watched her breathe for a few moments. He remembered the wild blonde curls she had during her childhood. Now, the curls were gone, and she wore a printed bandana over her balding head. He heard a soft intake of breath and looked up. His mother stood there, looking haggard and pale. He studied her face, so like his sister’s. Heart-shaped, with wide clear blue eyes. His mother’s hair was blonde, and a person could just see the beginnings of grayness streaked throughout. He got up, gave her a quick hug and left her alone with her daughter.

- - -

Jack sat down in one of the “Family” waiting rooms. He was beyond tired at this point. The dark circles under his eyes made him resemble a raccoon. His hands shook with fatigue. He was almost asleep when he heard two doctors talking outside the waiting room. They were quiet, but Jack had always had near perfect hearing. They mentioned something about bone marrow. Jack listened harder. Then he heard it.

“We have marrow that is a match for the Collins girl…the donor is upstairs, but his mother refuses to let us take more then we already have.”

Jack’s eyes snapped open. He waited until the doctors left, and then ran to the elevators. The machines were taking too long, so he turned and ran up the stairs taking two at a time. Once there, he realized the he was in the ICU. The only thing on his mind was to find that donor. His sister needed this. He needed this.

- - -

Navigating through the narrow halls of the ICU, and asking elusive questions, he found what he was looking for. The door was open, and he was struck by what he saw. A mother lay with her head on her son’s bed. Her son was covered with white bandages that were no longer white, but in some places red, or a dirty yellow. The boy’s bright green eyes were open, but Jack could see that even as the boy blinked, he could see nothing. The room rattled with the breath of machines. Jack wanted to leave. He needed to get out of here, it was too much. Instead, he stayed…for Kat.

- - -

Jack cleared his throat. The woman started awake and Jack muttered apologies.

She whispered, “Can I help you?”

Jack answered, just as quietly, “Yes, you can.”

- - -

Jack took in a deep breath and asked for what he came for. The woman looked horrified. She got up abruptly and left the room, and Jack followed.

“I cannot believe you would ask such a thing of me!” She whispered fiercely.

Jack stammered, “But please, Ma’am, my sister is dying. You…have to help…her.”

The woman’s voice raised just a notch. “No! My son is going to be fine. And he needs the marrow to better fight off the infections!”

Jack could not hold his composure any longer. He looked the woman square in her green eyes. Same as her son’s. Jack looked once more at the boy in the bed. His mind made assumptions before he could think twice and he blurted, “You’re son is dead! He no longer has a brain that works and he’ll have to be on machines if he wants to resemble living. My sister is sick and she is going to die soon…she needs this…just please…please.”

The woman broke down crying, and whispered, “I can’t let you.”

- - -

Jack watched the woman turn back and walk into her son’s room. She sat back down, resuming her church-like vigil over the young boy. Jack turned away. He felt like a defeated knight that had just gotten out of a raging battle and now must go away and lick his wounds. He sighed. He had done all he could. His parents weren’t matches, he wasn’t either, and the one boy who could help wasn’t able too. Inside Jack, his emotions were careening out of control like a car on an icy road.

- - -

From her position in the chair, the woman watched the young man leave. She knew that her son was the only bone marrow match for miles. The doctors had tried everything, every marrow bank was checked. The girl did not have enough time left to wait much longer. The boy’s mother sighed. She thought about how desperate the young man must have been to come to the room and ask such a question. She listened to the unnerving sound coming from the machine that helped her son live. She couldn’t let go of him, not yet. She couldn’t let go of any part of him, even something as small as a vial of bone marrow. She knew that was incredibly selfish of her. But she was desperate as well, and desperate people do desperate things.

- - -

Jack walked blindly down the stairs, through the halls, and out the large glass doors. The sun was shining brightly and the grass crunched softly from the first frost of the year. Jack sank down to his knees in the hospital lawn. The knees of his pants were soaked through and he swore he feel the cold against his bones. He didn’t care. He began to cry, great racking sobs that shook him to the very core of his being. He was crying so hard that he could not see. He cried until he thought he would black out. When he was spent, it felt as if his face was smoldering. Just a constant heat that would not burn out completely. Suddenly, he heard his mother yell frantically from the hospital doorway, “Jack! Get in here! Kat…”

Jack jumped up and tripped once before getting his feet under him. He raced past his frightened mother and flew down the hall. He knew he shouldn’t have left her. He thought, ‘Kat, I am coming,’ hoping she would hear him somehow. In the mad dash he ran smack into a young woman about his age, and they fell down on the ground. As he got up he shouted behind him, “I’m sorry!” The woman looked flustered as he continued to run.

Jack skidded to a stop outside of Kat’s room. Doctors and nurses surrounded her, and his father stood in the corner, looking shrunken and small. Jack pushed his way up to Kat’s side. Her breathing was shallow, like she could not catch her breath. He knew it would be soon.

- - -

Kat was done. She was tired of the pain, tired of everything. She didn’t want to leave Jack, but nor could she live with the pain any longer. Nothing they gave to manage the pain worked. She wanted the doctors and nurses to leave, to just let her be with her family. She looked at Jack, trying to convey the message. He stared at her, then looked up and spoke quickly to the doctors. She could hear the voices but could not make out the words. Finally they filed out. She smiled gently, knowing that her family would be with her at the end.

- - -

Jack and his parents were with her for a few more hours. All three did some praying. Jack prayed like he had never before. He understood God, and he had never wondered why this was happening to Kat, he just knew it was part of some unseen plan. But tonight he prayed for God to spare his sister, take him instead, anything but letting her die. Jack parents left the room at one point. Suddenly he was alone with his sister, his best friend, the solid presence in his life for the past nineteen years. He couldn’t bear to lose her. He looked at his sister, gulping back the racking sobs that he felt coming. He didn’t understand her. She was still so lovely, even in her illness. She was positive and uplifting even during the toughest times. His thoughts were broken by her quiet voice, “Jack…do something for me?”

“Anything.” He replied instantly.

“Please…” She stopped to catch her breath, and continued, “Just always remember…I love you.” Kat’s breath caught, as if it could not escape her lungs. Kat began to struggle against her own body. Jack yelled, “Help!” Doctors rushed in. Kat pulled against Jack’s hand as her body betrayed her. The reaching hands of the doctors held his sister still. Jack’s heart beat wildly in his chest, and he felt his father’s calloused hands grabbing his shoulders, pulling him back, out of the doctor’s way. Chaos soothed and the room went silent except for the rhythmic pounding of a doctor attempting CPR. The noise of the flat-lining machine was whining and constant as the doctor announced the time of death.

- - -

Jack turned back and looked at Kat’s empty bed. The sheets were newly laid, ready for the next patient. He felt lost. Like a part of himself was gone forever, never to return. His vision burred with unshed tears as he went down the hall and out the sliding glass doors, for the last time.